Three Foundations for Helping Others Through Shame
If you need help seeing Jesus in the middle of your struggle, or just feel like you are stuck, ready to move into growth and healing, connect with a Christian coach.
Excerpt: Helping Helpers - Session 3
Section: Shame - Three Foundations for Helping Others Through Shame
Speakers: Cathy Loerzel
Walking Others Through Shame: Attunement, Containment, and Repair
When it comes to walking someone through experiences of shame, humiliation, or stories of contempt, it’s essential to focus on three key elements: attunement, containment, and rupture and repair. These elements are fundamental in almost every aspect of life and crucial for providing effective support.
1. Attunement
Connect with the Person in Front of You
Attunement involves paying close attention to the person you are supporting. Observe their body language: do they look uncomfortable? Is their face glazed over? Do they seem tense, or are they present and engaged?
Stay Connected and Curious
Remain patient and curious, focusing on their physical and emotional cues. Attunement is about being connected and mindful, ensuring the person feels seen and understood. It’s one of the most critical aspects of human relationships and is especially important when dealing with sensitive content.
2. Containment
Set Up Guardrails for Sharing
When people experience shame, they often feel the need to unburden themselves completely. However, allowing them to do so without proper boundaries can lead to increased shame and humiliation. It's essential to set up guardrails to provide a safe space.
Create Safe Boundaries
For instance, you might say, “I feel these are important stories, but this might not be the right context for sharing everything just yet.” By establishing clear boundaries, you help the person feel secure and prevent them from diving too deep too quickly. Containment ensures that their stories are shared in a manner that is safe and manageable.
3. Rupture and Repair
Acknowledge Mistakes and Apologize
Mistakes are inevitable. You might miss a cue, say the wrong thing, or let the conversation go too far. When this happens, it’s important to acknowledge it. Apologize and repair the relationship by admitting your error and expressing your intent to support them better.
Own Your Humanity
Owning your humanity and mistakes fosters a deeper connection and trust. It shows that you are genuinely trying to be a supportive witness to their story. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have let us go this far,” can help repair any ruptures and reinforce the supportive relationship.
By focusing on attunement, containment, and rupture and repair, you can provide meaningful and effective support to those dealing with shame and humiliation. Remember, it’s about being present, setting safe boundaries, and being willing to acknowledge and learn from your mistakes.
The Share the Struggle Helping Helpers Course is designed for helpers & leaders both formally (pastors, small group leaders) and informally (family, friends, volunteers), giving a practical and safe framework for coming alongside someone well in the middle of their struggle(s). The Share the Struggle L.E.S.S. (Listen, Explore, Share, Support) framework equips helpers with the tools for active listening, root cause exploration, 3-story discipleship, and when to involve other forms of support. Furthermore, helping helpers walks listeners through the specific considerations and tools for helping someone through anxiety, shame, trauma, miscarriage, pornography addiction, grief, eating disorders, and suicide prevention.
Share The Struggle Courses
Share the Struggle Courses are topical expert led video courses to help you understand life’s greatest struggles and provide you with tools for navigating them. Moreover, STS courses create a space for you to connect with others struggling with similar things, experience belonging, and encounter God’s nearness in a place of wilderness in your life (pain, confusion, healing journey).
What Share The Struggle Believes
Here at Share The Struggle we believe Jesus is present with us in the middle of our pain and mess, and it is in that place that we often experience and encounter Jesus most deeply.
We understand the unique challenges faced by Christians dealing with mental health. Our mission is to bridge the gap between faith and mental health support, providing a platform where individuals can find resources, coaching support and guidance, all tailored to their spiritual life and emotional needs.
We invite you to explore our resources, share your journey, and find the support you need to overcome the struggles you face.
