Practical Paths for Shame Support
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Excerpt: Helping Helpers - Session 3
Section: Shame - Practical Paths for Shame Support
Speakers: Cathy Loerzel
Navigating Shame: Staying Connected and Compassionate
When working with someone experiencing shame, it’s crucial to stay attuned to their physical and emotional state. Shame manifests in our bodies and is deeply connected to feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. Here’s how to effectively support someone dealing with shame:
1. Attunement to Physical Cues
Observe Physical Reactions
Shame often shows up in physical reactions. Be watchful for signs like a flushed chest or neck, sweating, or changes in body language. These reactions can indicate hypoarousal or hyperarousal.
Understand Arousal States
Hypoarousal: The person feels flat, disconnected, or dissociated. If you notice this, pause the conversation and check in with them. You might say, "Where are you right now?" or suggest taking a break, perhaps going for a walk.
Hyperarousal: The person becomes agitated, anxious, or panicky. Slow the conversation down to prevent triggering a panic attack. Recognize when they’ve gone further than intended and help them regulate their body.
2. Containment and Boundaries
Set Safe Limits
It's important to create safe boundaries around the conversation. If someone begins to share too much, too quickly, gently guide them to pause and reassess. You might say, "I feel these stories are important, but maybe we should take a break and come back to them later."
Honor Your Own Limits
As the listener, be aware of your own emotional state. Listening to stories of shame can be triggering for you too. Know your limits and don't hesitate to take a timeout if needed. Honoring your own boundaries ensures that you can provide the best support possible without becoming overwhelmed.
3. Compassion and Kindness
Show Genuine Compassion
Compassion is key when supporting someone through shame. Show a kind, non-judgmental presence. Reflect the kindness and love that the person may not be able to offer themselves.
Offer a Safe and Kind Presence
Providing a compassionate presence is crucial. Let the person feel seen and heard without judgment. This kindness can be transformative, offering them a rare experience of being met with empathy and understanding in their most vulnerable moments.
4. Rupture and Repair
Acknowledge and Apologize
Mistakes will happen. You might miss cues or say the wrong thing. When this occurs, acknowledge it and apologize. Repairing any ruptures in the conversation shows your commitment to supporting them and reinforces trust.
Embrace Your Humanity
Owning your humanity and mistakes fosters a deeper connection. Admit when you’re in over your head and be honest about your capacity to help. This transparency helps build a trusting relationship.
Conclusion: Lean into Compassion
The most important aspect of supporting someone through shame is kindness. Show compassion for their story and for yourself. Providing a kind, understanding presence can significantly aid in their healing process. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes, the most powerful support you can offer is simply being there with empathy and understanding.
The Share the Struggle Helping Helpers Course is designed for helpers & leaders both formally (pastors, small group leaders) and informally (family, friends, volunteers), giving a practical and safe framework for coming alongside someone well in the middle of their struggle(s). The Share the Struggle L.E.S.S. (Listen, Explore, Share, Support) framework equips helpers with the tools for active listening, root cause exploration, 3-story discipleship, and when to involve other forms of support. Furthermore, helping helpers walks listeners through the specific considerations and tools for helping someone through anxiety, shame, trauma, miscarriage, pornography addiction, grief, eating disorders, and suicide prevention.
Share The Struggle Courses
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Here at Share The Struggle we believe Jesus is present with us in the middle of our pain and mess, and it is in that place that we often experience and encounter Jesus most deeply.
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