The Helping Framework: Explore
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Excerpt: Helping Helpers - Session 1
Section: The Helping Framework - Explore
Speakers: Ryan Miller & Matthias Barker
Exploring the Depths of Emotion: Practical Insights for Meaningful Conversations
Understanding the Core of Emotions
The second part of our acronym is explore, and what we aim to achieve is practical insights into uncovering the deep emotions beneath the surface. We often hear the content of what someone is saying, but there's an animating energy, an emotion that motivates that content. How do we actually get to that? It might sound abstract, but there are practical skills we can use in real-time conversations to uncover those deeper layers.
The Challenge of Conversations
It's tough for all of us. Imagine having a conversation with someone who is really pouring out their heart. We want to say the right thing, ask the right question, to help them get to the root of their feelings because we care about them. We want to explore what’s underlying, but often we overthink it, trying to find the perfect response. In reality, our goal should be to help them explore their own emotions.
The Power of Silence
One of the simplest and most powerful tools we have is silence. Just say nothing and hold the silence. This allows the person to continue speaking and to delve deeper into their own thoughts. Silence can be incredibly powerful in these moments.
Simple, Encouraging Phrases
In addition to silence, there are a few simple phrases we can use:
"Wow, tell me more."
"I don’t even know what to say right now. I'm just so glad you told me."
These responses show that we are listening and encourage the other person to continue sharing.
A Posture of Curiosity and Humility
Approaching these conversations with curiosity and humility is key. We’re not there to fix their problems; we’re there to be a friend and support them. Sometimes, doing less is more. Allowing them to speak and explore their own feelings can be more helpful than offering solutions.
Effective Questions
When someone reaches a natural pause in their story, use questions like:
"Tell me more."
"What do you make of that?"
"What have you tried in the past to solve this?"
"What has worked or not worked?"
These questions help them reflect on their own experiences and feelings, promoting deeper self-exploration.
Finding the Dream Behind the Complaint
Whenever we hear a complaint, there's usually a deeper desire or dream behind it. For example, if someone says they don't get enough attention from their partner, instead of focusing on the complaint, explore the underlying need for appreciation and connection. Recognize and name this need, as it can be a powerful moment of affirmation for them.
Example: The Dream Underneath
Consider this: someone struggles with feeling neglected and turns to unhealthy behaviors for comfort. Instead of focusing on the behavior, explore the underlying desire to be seen and valued. This approach validates their feelings and acknowledges their authentic needs.
Affirming Authentic Desires
Often, negative emotions like fear or guilt are indicators of something that really matters to the person. For instance, fear related to a loved one or a job often signifies deep care and commitment. Naming and affirming these authentic desires can be transformative, shifting the focus from what's wrong to what’s meaningful and true for them.
Biblical Insight: Sons of Thunder
Reflecting on the story of James and John in the Bible, when they wanted to call down fire on the Samaritans, Jesus rebuked them but also nicknamed them "Sons of Thunder." This story illustrates how even misguided desires can have a good and true core that, when sanctified, can become something beautiful and redemptive.
Practical Tools for Meaningful Conversations
Listening to the charged words people use and mirroring back their last few words can help them continue their flow of thought. This technique helps uncover deeper dreams and desires beneath their surface complaints.
Our Goal: Share the Struggle
At Share the Struggle, our goal is to walk alongside people in their struggles, not to fix them. Using these practical tools, we can foster deeper connections and help others explore their own emotions more fully. Next time you’re in a meaningful conversation, try these techniques and see how they enhance your interactions. Remember, sometimes saying less is more.
The Share the Struggle Helping Helpers Course is designed for helpers & leaders both formally (pastors, small group leaders) and informally (family, friends, volunteers), giving a practical and safe framework for coming alongside someone well in the middle of their struggle(s). The Share the Struggle L.E.S.S. (Listen, Explore, Share, Support) framework equips helpers with the tools for active listening, root cause exploration, 3-story discipleship, and when to involve other forms of support. Furthermore, helping helpers walks listeners through the specific considerations and tools for helping someone through anxiety, shame, trauma, miscarriage, pornography addiction, grief, eating disorders, and suicide prevention.
Share The Struggle Courses
Share the Struggle Courses are topical expert led video courses to help you understand life’s greatest struggles and provide you with tools for navigating them. Moreover, STS courses create a space for you to connect with others struggling with similar things, experience belonging, and encounter God’s nearness in a place of wilderness in your life (pain, confusion, healing journey).
What Share The Struggle Believes
Here at Share The Struggle we believe Jesus is present with us in the middle of our pain and mess, and it is in that place that we often experience and encounter Jesus most deeply.
We understand the unique challenges faced by Christians dealing with mental health. Our mission is to bridge the gap between faith and mental health support, providing a platform where individuals can find resources, coaching support and guidance, all tailored to their spiritual life and emotional needs.
We invite you to explore our resources, share your journey, and find the support you need to overcome the struggles you face.
