How to Quit Porn: A Complete Guide
I want to start by acknowledging the behemoth that this article is. Understanding our roots in pornography, the grand narrative of redemption in Jesus, and how we ultimately quit porn is a lot, to say the least. Here’s a table of contents to help you navigate:
Understanding Pornography Addiction
How Porn Distorts Relationship
How we Heal in Connection to Others
What Brings You Here?
Many of you are likely here because you’re feeling overwhelmed by guilt and shame. Maybe your relationships are in ruin. Perhaps you’re struggling with repetitive singleness or marriage problems. Some might even be facing the threat of divorce due to porn use. It’s important to know that you are not alone, and you are deeply known and loved by God, even in the middle of this mess.
Whatever brings you here. You are not alone. In fact, the team of folks who put this article together are real people who know what it's like to struggle with pornography. We recognize the that the struggle is real, your desires to quit are real, and there is a path to freedom if only we can begin to understand what our usage is really about and reorient our goals.
Understanding Pornography Use
A Signpost to Desire for Intimacy
Pornography addiction goes beyond just a bad habit—it's a sign of our deep, God-given desire for connection and intimacy. God created us with a longing for intimacy. Genesis 2:18 highlights, "It is not good for the man to be alone." We are meant to have close, meaningful relationships. This statement from God is not just about intimate physical relations, He is speaking to human beings deep rooted desire to be with others in deep connection. How can the enemy attack this? Simple. Feed us things (porn) that create isolation and secrecy and reduce our moments of connection with others to guilt and shame.
Chemical Dependency
When we watch porn, our brain releases dopamine, a chemical that makes us feel good. Over time, the brain starts to crave more extreme material to achieve the same feeling, much like drug addiction. This can create a cycle that's hard to break.
A Relationally Fractured World
We’ve all been wounded, hurt by the one’s we trusted to protect us. Being hurt by others takes many forms… it could have been a parent who did not care for you in the way you needed, friends that bailed on you, a church group that judged and ostracized you, a teacher that labeled you, or some form of abuse during your formative years of sexual development. This does not mean you are a victim, but the reality is, we’ve all been hurt in some way, shape, or form. This often leads us to develop modes of self-protection to avoid being hurt again. And this makes sense - we do what we can to survive, to avoid being hurt again. But the problem is, our core needs to feel seen, to experience connection, to feel safe, to be cared for, go unmet.
These needs are so deep that when unmet, you will simply find ways to meet the needs, independent of healthy connection. Porn becomes such an easy solution. Porn gives you a sense of power and control, doesn’t it? Perhaps your autonomy growing up was stifled… you were never recognized as having your own opinions that matter. Core to being human is having a sense of autonomy, feeling desired and respected, and being loved. So where are you to turn to get this need met? The power of search engine. The feeling of having power and control, over another person.
You have legitimate relational and emotional needs. In our fractured world, our needs often go unmet. In our wounded-ness, we compensate for unmet needs in unhealthy ways. Porn is perhaps one of the easiest places to try and get those needs met.
Why it matters
Understanding the roots of our pornography addiction is how we move forward. Many of us start our search with the hopes that we can kick this habit through a certain number of steps. The reality, quitting porn isn't just about changing a habit. It's about creating a new lifestyle.
The Biblical Narrative for Overcoming Porn
Why do we start with the Bible when discussing pornography addiction? Because it provides a foundational understanding of human desires and the framework for true flourishing. According to Genesis, God created us with an innate desire for connection and intimacy. "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). However, the Fall, as described in Genesis 3, led humanity to choose personal preferences over God's design. This choice fractured our relational world, creating wounds both corporately and individually.
Pornography can be seen as a relational desire turned inward, focusing solely on self-satisfaction. It's a signpost pointing to our deep-seated need for intimacy, but misdirected in a way that harms us and our relationships.
Where is Our Hope and Redemption?
In the midst of this struggle, where is our hope? The redemptive story arc of Jesus is our source of hope. Through Jesus, we find redemption in our relationship with Him. This relationship offers not just a way out of addiction but a path to true intimacy and connection. It also reminds us that our suffering is not in vain. Our lives, mired in sin and struggle, are washed clean by the blood of Jesus.
Romans 5:8 reminds us, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This sacrificial love is the cornerstone of our hope and redemption, offering us a way to rebuild our lives and relationships.
What Desires Are Being Filled with Porn?
Pornography often fills immediate desires for control, intimacy, and escape. But how does God intend for these desires to be satisfied?
God wants us to experience true intimacy through healthy relationships. First and foremost, in Jesus. He wants us to feel known and loved, and what better way to do that than with our creator. Developing healthy habits for intimacy replaces the hollow satisfaction that porn offers. For instance, engaging in open and honest communication with loved ones, participating in community activities, and seeking spiritual growth can fulfill these desires in a way that aligns with God's design. Before Mankind chose it's own way of doing things, God's intent was for Man to not be alone, highlighting the purpose of connection in a perfect creation. We also see an intimate connection between God and Adam. The blueprint for choosing God's plan over ours is deep connection and desire for him.
Healthy habits for intimacy:
Engage in meaningful conversations: Open up to trusted friends or family members.
Participate in community activities: Connect with others who embody disciples living a life for Christ.
Seek spiritual growth: Regularly read the Bible, pray, and attend church services.
By replacing unhealthy habits with these positive actions, we can begin to heal and move towards a more fulfilling and Christ-centered life.
How We Change
Getting to the Root of Your Struggle
Understanding why certain things don’t work is crucial. Many people try to quit pornography by using web blockers or relying solely on accountability partners. While these tools can be helpful, they often fall short because they don't address reasons we watch porn (isolation, desire replacement, etc).
Webblockers can prevent access to explicit content, but they don't tackle the emotional and psychological reasons behind the addiction. Similarly, accountability partners can provide support, but they can't be with you 24/7. Psychoeducation courses and support groups are great resources, but they also need to be part of a more comprehensive strategy.
To truly change, we need to get to the root of our struggle. Ask yourself:
What do you watch and when do you watch it? This helps identify triggers.
What function does it serve in your life? Is it a desire for control, intimacy, or perhaps an escape from stress?
Here is how this might play our for someone. Perhaps in relationships you feel a pervasive sense of being unseen, un-affirmed, and like you are not enough. Those unmet needs are going to be clamoring for attention in the depths of soul. So rather than go about the tumultuous, long journey of learning to communicate your unmet needs to people you love… which is incredibly vulnerable and challenging thing to do… you can meet your own needs quickly. You can make yourself feel physically and emotionally satisfied, even if just for minute. The relational stress you carry can be released. The conflict you feel in your marriage is avoided. This habit builds and builds until it becomes the neural pathway that your brain is accustomed to utilizing. If you were to stop, what would happen? Likely anxiety and depression would ensue. You would be faced to confront your pervasive feeling of being unseen and not-enough.
This may not be the function pornography serves for you. Or perhaps there is some overlap. The idea here is that porn is serving some function, and when you begin understand these elements, you can start addressing the real issues.
Neuroscience Behind the Addiction
Pornography addiction is not just a moral failing; it's a chemical dependency. Watching porn releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good. Over time, your brain gets used to these high levels of dopamine and starts to crave more, creating a cycle of addiction.
Lifestyle of Repentance and Relationship
Real change comes from a lifestyle of repentance and relationship. Repentance is more than just feeling sorry; it's about truth-telling and turning towards a new way of living.
We don’t really like repentance because it makes us confront and acknowledge our role and participation in behavior that we know we know is sinful. And this makes us feel shame and guilt. Confronting your own shame and guilt is horribly uncomfortable. But does it have to be? The greater the shame, the greater the grace. When you think about God thinking about you, what comes to mind? Is it a disappointed authority figure who is demanding you clean up your act?
When Jesus describes what the Father’s love is like, he tells the story of the prodigal son. The son had a desire for create something with his life. This is a healthy desire. But he misplaces what that looks like - he thinks to make something meaningful of his life, he just needs his inheritance from his father so he can go spend it on things he wants.
(This is us with porn. It’s a misplaced desire. St. Augustine, in his book confessions, famously called sin “disordered love”. You love connection, it’s hard wired into your being. But porn is fake connection)
The son realizes that this view of how life is to be lived was truly unsatisfying and shallow. His longing for “life to the full” (Jhn 10:10) has been misdirected. So he comes crawling back to the Father, full of shame. He confesses his wrongdoing (repentance) and promises to change his ways. The son is basically saying, “my father was right, his way of living is the best way, I was wrong”. The son has determined to reorder his desire for a meaningful life within the design his father intended from the beginning.
Here is what happens next:
“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-24 NIV)
The son’s overwhelming experience of the father’s love and compassion is in direct correlation to his shame. How overwhelming and unconditional does the father’s love truly feel to the son?
This is God’s invitation in repentance. A way to think about this is a that repentance is a relational process. We are turning back into right relationship with God. Our shame is completely met with love and grace.
We want to implore you deeply in this moment. Do not let shame keep you hiding any longer. The father is waiting for you, looking for you, longing to embrace you.
Here is what this practically looks like
Repentance as truth-telling: Be honest about your struggles with God, yourself, and others.
Turning to a new way of relating: Replace old habits with new, healthy ones. Engage in activities that bring you closer to God and others.
Repentance is a journey. This process is ongoing. Becoming like Jesus is a lifetime journey. God works through our struggles, relapses, and suffering to shape us into people of character. As we grow in our relationship with Him, our desires change, and we align more closely with His will.
By embracing a lifestyle of repentance and building strong relationships, we can find lasting change and freedom from pornography addiction.
Steps to Quit Porn
Recognizing and Accepting God’s Grace
Understanding and accepting God's grace is the first step in overcoming pornography addiction. God’s grace is His unconditional love and forgiveness. It means that no matter how many times you fall, God is always ready to forgive and help you get back up.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).
Moving Forward in Desire to Pursue Jesus, Not “Purity”
The goal isn’t just to stop watching porn. It's about building a closer relationship with Jesus. When we focus on Jesus, our desires begin to change, and the urge to watch porn weakens. This journey isn't about being perfect; it's about making a genuine effort to grow closer to Jesus every day.
Steps to Pursue Jesus:
Pray Regularly: Talk to God about your struggles and ask for His help.
Read the Bible: Let God’s Word guide and encourage you.
Join a Community: Surround yourself with people who support your journey.
By focusing on Jesus and accepting His grace, you have the framework to understand how to move forward.
Support Options to Help Quit Porn
As you pursue Jesus, the following can be awesome ways to shed your habit:
Web-blockers: Tools like web-blockers can help limit access to pornographic content. They are a good first step but not a complete solution.
Accountability Partners: Having someone you trust to talk to can make a big difference. Share your struggles and victories with them.
Psychoeducation Content: Books and videos can provide valuable insights. Fortify: The Ultimate Fighter's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Addiction is a great resource.
Friends & Family: Your loved ones can offer emotional support and encouragement.
Mentors: A mentor can guide you through the recovery process, sharing their own experiences and wisdom.
Coaches: Certified coaches like those from Share the Struggle can provide specialized help.
Counselors & Therapists: Professional help is often necessary to address deep-rooted issues.
How Porn Distorts Our Relationships
Pornography can distort how we see ourselves, God, and others. Here’s how:
View of Self: Porn can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
View of God: It can make us feel distant from God, as if we are unworthy of His love.
View of Others: Porn often objectifies people, reducing them to mere objects of desire.
God’s intent for sexuality is much different. He designed it to be a beautiful expression of love within marriage.
How We Heal in Connection to Others
Secrecy is often a hallmark of porn usage. Healing, on the other hand, happens in relationships.
Accountability: Regular check-ins with an accountability partner can help keep you on track.
Belonging: Being part of a supportive community can provide a sense of belonging and acceptance.
Bringing People In: Know when and how to involve others in your healing journey. Be honest and open with trusted friends and family.
Recognizing and Dealing with Shame
Shame keeps us trapped in the cycle of porn usage. It tells us we are unworthy and unlovable. But this is a lie.
Recognize Shame: Identify when you are feeling shame and understand that it is a tool of the enemy.
Deal with Shame: Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Bring your struggles into the light.
Grace for the Healing Journey
Grace is essential for healing. It comes from God and is available to all of us.
Where Does Grace Come From?: Grace is a gift from God, given freely to all who seek it.
Embrace Grace: Accept that you are loved and forgiven, no matter your past.
For When We Slip: Understand that relapses happen. What matters is getting back up and continuing the journey.
Recognizing and accepting God’s grace allows us to move forward, not just in the pursuit of “purity,” but in a deeper relationship with Jesus. This shift in focus can make all the difference in finding lasting freedom.
Questions About Porn Usage
What is a Struggle with Porn?
A struggle with porn involves feeling trapped in a cycle of viewing pornographic material, despite wanting to stop. It often includes feelings of shame, guilt, and secrecy. Many people find themselves repeatedly returning to porn, even though it damages their relationships, self-esteem, and spiritual life.
Can Christians Watch Porn?
Christians are called to live in a way that honors God, including in their thoughts and actions. Watching porn conflicts with biblical teachings about purity and respect for oneself and others. Matthew 5:28 says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." This makes it clear that lustful thoughts, including those fostered by porn, are not aligned with Christian values.
Is it a Sin to Watch Porn?
Yes, according to the Bible, watching porn is considered a sin. It promotes lust, which goes against God's design for sexual purity. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 states, "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God."
Is it Bad to Watch Porn?
Watching porn can have harmful effects on your mind, relationships, and spiritual life. Research shows that it can lead to reduced commitment in relationships, increased acceptance of infidelity, and **higher levels of depression and anxiety** . It's not just a moral issue; it's also a health and relational issue.
What is a Porn Addiction?
A porn addiction is a compulsive need to view porn, even when it interferes with daily life and relationships. Dr. Jill C. Manning notes, "Internet pornography is altering the social and sexual landscape," leading to negative trends in marriages and families . This addiction can be as destructive as other addictions, like alcohol or drugs.
Can a Christian be Addicted to Porn?
Yes, Christians can struggle with porn addiction. Addiction does not discriminate based on faith. However, the good news is that God's grace and support is enough. Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I don't know about you, but I truly can't help but chuckle at Paul's writing here. We are habitual sinners, choosing the flesh over the things that bring us true fulfillment and lasting joy. We know that, God knows that, and yet He sent Jesus to remind us that our imperfection is made perfect in our acceptance of that gift of grace. What a story!
What Does the Bible Say About Watching Porn?
The Bible does not mention porn specifically, but it speaks clearly about sexual immorality and lust. Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people." The Bible encourages believers to pursue purity and avoid anything that leads them into sin.
Though our pursuit to quit should be a joyous pursuit of Jesus -a pursuit that leaves these desires behind-, it’s important to understand what the bible says about watching porn and the consequences of our self servicing actions on our lives. Seeking help and turning to God for strength and guidance can lead to healing and freedom from this addiction.
How to Help Someone Quit Porn
Helping someone through pornography use or addiction is a sensitive and significant task. It's important to equip ourselves with the right knowledge and tools to support them effectively.
Equip Ourselves
Before we can help others, we need to understand the complexities of pornography addiction. This involves:
Educating Ourselves: Learn about the nature of pornography addiction, its effects, and the available resources. The best way to tackle a problem is to identify the problem. That becomes difficult when we don’t know the landscape of what we are trying to help with. Our hearts may have a desire for good and proper outcomes about our friend/family member struggling with pornography, but intent isn’t all that matters when we come alongside someone. I’m not suggesting extensively researching pornography is the only way to help; maybe your role for others is to be that loving support. Being conscious of our bandwidth, role, and abilities can make all the difference for the love and support others feel as they navigate growth and healing.
Self-Reflection: Assess our own biases and ensure we approach the situation with empathy and without judgment. Is there a part of you that is disgusted by someone's porn usage? Is there a part of you that thinks of someone less than? God sees us as his children regardless of circumstances. How can you embrace that truth as you come alongside someone?
How to Listen Well
Listening is the cornerstone of supporting someone through their struggles. The "Share the Struggle" approach emphasizes three-part listening:
Listen to What the Person is Saying: Pay attention to their words and emotions.
Listen to Your Own Heart and Agenda: Be aware of your reactions and ensure they don’t cloud your support.
Listen to the Holy Spirit: Seek God’s guidance to understand the deeper issues beyond the surface when our awareness isn’t sufficient.
Framework for Being a Good Supporter
To effectively support someone, follow the L.E.S.S. framework (Listen, Explore, Share, Support):
Listen: Provide a safe space for them to share without interruption.
Explore: Help them identify the root causes of their addiction. It might stem from deeper wounds or unmet needs.
Share: Offer your own experiences when appropriate, creating a bond and providing hope.
Support: Walk alongside them, providing encouragement and accountability. Recognize when professional help is needed.
Understanding Their Specific Struggle
Every individual's struggle with pornography is unique. Understanding their specific situation involves:
Identifying Triggers: Ask what situations or emotions lead them to view pornography.
Understanding the Role of Pornography: Determine what needs pornography is fulfilling in their life, such as a desire for intimacy or control.
How It Affects Them
Pornography addiction can have profound effects on an individual's life, including:
Emotional Health: Increased levels of depression and anxiety.
Relationships: Strained or broken relationships with partners and family.
Self-Image: Negative self-perception and feelings of shame.
What They Need to Hear and When
Timing and sensitivity are crucial when offering support. Here are some key points to communicate:
Empathy and Understanding: Let them know they are not alone and that you understand their pain.
Encouragement for Professional Help: Suggest therapy or support groups when they are ready.
Hope and Redemption: Remind them of the hope and redemption available through Jesus Christ.
By equipping ourselves with knowledge, listening well, and using a structured framework, we can provide meaningful support to those struggling with pornography addiction.
What Now?
You made it through, which means one of two things:
Your need is signifcant enough that you’re looking for everything you can. (If this is you, good on you for sticking this thing through!)
This article really did provide an awesome framework to execute on or at the very least, informed how you go about making changes in your life!
Either way, you want next steps. I would start with asking yourself this, “Am I really wanting/ready to change”. As a fellow brother in Christ, I can assure that you will not be fulfilled if your desire for doing this isn’t to pursue Jesus with a radical new lifestyle (here’s an article on what that looks like). You might find success with some of the methods outlined above, but there won’t be lasting fulfillment if you aren’t after the 1 thing in this world that our lives should be focused on -walking in the footsteps of Jesus-.
Feeling overwhelmed by that? Been trapped in this cycle so long you need help identifying the road forward? Sign up for our Freedom Challenge -the two month journey that will empower you with psychoeducation behind your usage/addiction, a coach to help you walk forward and keep you accountable, and daily text messages from scripture.
